Holiday Previews: Christmas 2003

Well, Boys and Girls… For those of you who aren’t planning sleepovers at the Neverland Ranch this season, you may want to hit the movie theaters, which promise to be packed tighter than that lady’s spandex pants that I was forced to stare at in line at Wal-Mart yesterday. Let’s look at a quick couple movies, and then Dr. Grouchy can get back to enjoying some Chistmas Cheer on the couchy….

As I understand it, Michael Jackson will be staring in Peter Pan this coming week. I hope the recent controversy doesn’t stall the movie, but if I understand what sells in this country from watching Fox, it’s sure controversy. Maybe Paris Hilton will play Wendy. Maybe I have my wires crossed, but we had a Peter Pan movie come out ten years ago, which coincides with the last set of charges against Mr. Jackson. Coincidence? I think not! Plus, I was watching some documentary with a nice Iranian man last week, and Jacko said he “was Peter Pan”. I rest my case.

Ben Afleck must think he is quite the hot potato this year, what with the Daredevil movie, and…. Hmmm… come to think of it, I can’t think of a good movie Ben Afleck was in this year. Anyhow, he feels he makes so much money that they are making a movie just about him getting paid. Called Paycheck. I heard it was a rip-off of some other movie, what was it?? Hmmm… Total Recall?, Minority Report?, Memento?… no… Comando… definitely Comando.

Ben Afleck (Who’d have ever thought I’d start off two paragraphs in a row with ‘Ben Afleck’? Certainly not me!) has his little buddy, Matt Damon, staring in a movie with Greg Kinnear, called Stuck on You. I saw this preview during the 30 minutes of previews at the Lord of the Rings movie. It actually looks funny. If you can call making fun of handicapped people funny!! For shame… For shame… These boys are joined at the liver, and believe me, I’ve abused my liver and I know how much it can hurt. They play sports and work and even have sex (With women! Whew! Just be glad they weren’t joined at another organ)… anyhow, it would be enough to hospitalize a healthy man, let alone a Siamese Twin. (Plus, I think it is pointed out by one of the actors that they are not from Siam, but actually two white guys, which is really cheap if you ask me. Couldn’t they have flown in someone from the Orient at least?)

So, the movie fare looks pretty weak this year. But fortunately, we have another whole year of crap coming up at the theaters to review!

Enjoy your Christmas, or Kwanza or whatever Hippie holiday you celebrate. Me? I’ll be neck deep in hookers, filled with holiday cheer. So don’t hold your breath waiting for another review! I won’t make any promises except to say I’ll print my next review before the next Lord of the Rings comes out.