Dr. Grouchy reviews movies and comments on the state of things in his weblog.
The doctor has a wit like a box of sharp glass, and is hailed far and wide as
an expert on most matters. Dr. Grouchy has a Ph.D. in Criticism that he applied for online
and paid for with boxtops.
Scientists have proven beyond all doubt that God is dead, homeopathic medicine is a hoax, prayer doesn’t work and women who refuse to have gratuitous sex with Dr. Grouchy are lesbians… What next? Well, the largest study of weight loss has shown DIETS DON’T WORK!
Big fucking surprise, folks!
I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!!
In fact, they make you FATTER! If you exercise at the level that God The Great Spaghetti Monster intended, you can pretty much eat what you are hungry for and not be obese. If you sit in front of your computer all day, and play video games all night, while eating nachos and Diet Coke, you are going to be FAT. Geesh!
Let me emphasize again, Diet Coke (diet sodas with Nutrasweet) is not healthy for you, and it will eventually be proven that it causes cancer and rectal bleeding and makes you even FATTER than if you drank nothing at all (try water, it’s not bad!)
Oh, speaking of water, bottled water is for pussies! It amazes me how some people got together and decided they could invent a new product and people would want to buy it - and pay top dollar for it too! Bottled water almost always comes from processing facilities that also supply city water supplies. The tap water is usually no different than the bottled water, except it don’t cost you no $2.99 to take a sip from the drinking fountain.
Just follow the Dr. Grouchy, patented, weight loss program of VIGOROUS CALISTENICS. You will be much better off! I swear, or my name ain’t Dr. Grouchy, Ph.D.!!
This came out a year ago, following the infamous hunting trip where The Dick gave his friend a face full of buckshot. The video is staged (no real children were hurt during the filming) and does not include the real VP. The White House wasn’t involved. I’m not defending the VP, he was still a dumbass for shooting his friend in the face. You shouldn’t give old people guns, cars or secret launch codes for thermonuclear weapons!
So, I was reading a recent column from my favorite, hot conservative maven, Ann Coulter (link), and it occurred to me how gol-darn politically incorrect the Grouch-meister really is. I’m surprised I can go out in public, let alone have a bomb blog.
We live in a world where people think they can have their yellow cake, and eat it too. People feel we can just give the world a hug and a Coke, and they’ll all love us. War can be avoided by “understanding” the enemy. It isn’t politically correct to suggest that the United States is trying to bring freedom to the people of Iraq. Liberals cry that Iraqis aren’t accustomed to freedom, and don’t desire it and we are forcing it on them. Talk about bigotry and racism; I guess Arabs don’t deserve to live in freedom if it requires effort. Liberals proudly display bumper stickers suggesting we invade China to liberate Tibet, but have no problem ignoring the suffering of Iraqis.
Lib-Lez talk-show host, Rosie O’Donnell seems to wrap herself pretty tightly in the flag claiming freedom of speech, when she accuses the administration of war crimes, but then lights the flag on fire without any appreciation for how many people died so she would have the “freedom” to claim innocent suicide bombers people are being murdered by the personal minions of G.W. Bush.
I work for a living. I’m not some rich chicken rancher, or housewife just sitting around all day painting my toenails. I don’t have the luxury of sitting on the couch at 9:00 in the morning, eating bon bons and watching “The View”. My sources tell me that the host of the show is no longer Star Jones, which is too bad, since I once dated Star Jones when she looked good. (Although the good doctor may come across like a fat, old wino, he swims across the Mississippi twice each morning before a breakfast of catfish and eggs - which is why he still maintains his James Bond physique.) Well, I’d never date Rosie. She wouldn’t have much use for a heterosexual stud like myself… and I don’t intentionally date chicks with their huevos on the outside, if you know what I mean.
So, this Rosie O’Donnell used to be a professional softball player, until she started hitting the twinkies too hard. (I managed to say rosie, ball and hard in a single sentence!) I think she and Madonna were playing on the same team for a while, until Madonna underwent surgery to become Jewish. Rosie used to have her own TV show, with her own special audience. After that ended, she was depressed and you know how women are when they get depressed… I heard she ran a Schwan’s truck off the road for a case of Rocky Road ice cream.
So, have I mentioned I hate Mondays? In general, the Monday after they force us to switch to Daylight Savings Time is the worst day of the year. This is doubly so, since I am hung over most mornings and it feels okay to drink an hour more, but I still have to get to work on time. It’s not like I can cancel classes every week, I can only do that every other week or they get suspicious.
This morning I had a stiff neck and shoulder. I think it was because I parked the van, down by the river, on a slope. So, I kept rolling to one side of my cheap mattress. When I got up and used the Texaco bathroom to wash up, I was not in a good mood. Let me rephrase that, I was in a worse-than-usual mood. Fortunately, I got my 44 ounce cup of coffee at the Texaco and that is starting to wake me up. Their coffee isn’t the best in the world, but it has the intended effect. I compare it to giving a blow job to Juan Valdez’s donkey. I’ll just leave it at that.
It is basketball season, and everyone is talking about sports again instead of doing work. What’s up with guys and sports? I like a good match-up here and there, but I am not obsessed with it. I do not memorize statistics about sweaty strangers who like to pass balls up and down the court. I don’t mind basketball, just like I don’t mind hockey or golf. I don’t despise it like I do baseball. God, I mentioned that word! I forgot that is coming up. I think one co-worker is spending this week (the kids get spring break this week, so everyone from work figures that means THEY can up and take vacation)… he is spending this week at spring training for the Cubs in Florida. Ouch!
My theory is that many men like other men, more men than you might think. They really want to “look” in the locker room. They “like” showering with other men, and patting them on the butts. Men who like other men love to talk about sports. They love watching sweaty men compete and their heart rates jump when they accidentally touch one another.
Talking about sports, especially at work is a way to convince other men that they are straight, when in fact anyone who obsesses on other men like this is clearly gay. I don’t mean this in the “I am happy” way, but in the sweaty, agressive, man-sex way. Baseball fans even more-so. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, let’s just keep the locker room discussions out of the workplace. It cuts into my nap-time, between classes.
Did you subscribe to Sports Illustrated instead of Teen Beat when you were an overly-hormonal teen, because you couldn’t come out of the closet? Talk about your heartthrob, who takes steroids, somewhere else. Maybe at a sports bar (secretly, this would make sports bars “gay bars”.) Have you noticed everyone at a sports bar smokes? This is because they really want a penis in their mouth. OK, I could have said that better - they have an oral fixation. But, is that to be expected when they watch muscular, sweaty men wrestle and fight on TV? Like gladiators or Greco-Roman wrestlers… not that Greeks were gay, or anything. Just like Greek frat-boys aren’t closet homosexuals. I’d never call them that. Heck, people can do anything they like with a paddle and rope in the privacy of their own state-school funded frat-house basement. (Don’t most frat-boys love sports and play sports?)
