Posted on October 30th, 2005 under Wacky by grouchy
This Halloween, Mel Gibson has decided to dress as Saddam Hussein, against the warnings of his agent. Mr. Gibson will be taking his twelve children from house-to-house, on Monday night. While Halloween is not celebrated as widely in Australia, Gibson’s native land across the sea, most Australians dress up throughout the year as cowboys and transvestites. (At least that is the impression I got from watching “Crocodile Dundee” and “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.”) I also heard they believe in Leprechauns and midgets.
Mr Gibson plans on handing out copies of the bible he wrote, while on hiatus this past year. It is questionable how well that will work, dressed as a deposed dictator, responsible for gassing his own people.
“It was either this, or Hitler,” said Gibson. “And, most people haven’t gotten over the whole Holocaust thing, so I went with Hussein. I think it was a good choice.”
This reporter has also learned that they do not have candy corn in Australia, although they do have a tasty eucalyptus treat, deep fried in wombat fat.
Posted on October 24th, 2005 under Rants & Commentary by grouchy
Hey, man, happy b-day!
What? You’re only 6009 years young? Good for you.
Just a suggestion, and I only say this as a friend, but you might want to cut back on the drinking and partying. You’re looking a lot older that it says on your driver’s license. You’ve got that male pattern balding going on up top, too.
Oh, sure. You’re probably right. It’s probably those pesky humans. Yep, greenhouse effect.
Well, that can’t account for ALL the aging. I mean, look at your sedimentary layers. You don’t just put that on overnight! You must have been packing it on for, say four and a half billion years? I’m just guessing. Your atmosphere is heavy in oxygen, you’ve developed continental drift and you’re pretty much infested with a diversity of life that is unheard of on such a young planet.
And, then there’s a matter of the fossil record. It suggests that all the creatures on the planet share very similar DNA, and came from common simple origins in the early oceans. That seems like a beautiful story. God created the Universe, and after about 9 billion years, you were born. Then life developed over another 4.5 billion years, as the fossil record and other evidence suggest. Beautiful, really beautiful.
Oh. That disagrees with what God told a guy to tell another guy, and so on, and eventually write in a book, that was later heavily edited and translated. And, faith is based on the literal details given in this book, not because people couldn’t understand more complicated explanations, but because it was the TRUTH and DIVINE. People need to believe, even in the absence of proof, or when the evidence is contradictory.
Ah. Of course, God made you that way to test the humans. I understand. So that someday, when they developed science and radioactive carbon dating they’d be fooled into thinking you were older than you are. I see. Was this so you could get into bars or something? Maybe hang out with the older planets?
No? It was so even scientists could get into heaven. Wow! That is really cool of God and all. If it weren’t for this kind of deception, then scientists would be eternally damned to keep retaking Freshman chemistry in purgatory for eternity. That would really suck. This gives scientists a choice, so they can choose faith over evidence. So, now everyone goes to heaven, right?
No, again? Well, what happens to everyone who can’t get past the facts and have faith in the literal interpretation of that book? Hell, right, of course. So, how many humans will actually get to see heaven? Twelve? Gee, that doesn’t seem fair. Why would a God capable of creating the Universe in all its glory, and who invented the laws of physics, then be sneaky to fool humans, which he (or she) created? Isn’t it hubris to think a divine being, who is omnipotent and omnipresent, would behave in a sneaky way like some flawed human? With hidden motives, vengeance and the vanity to punish those who don’t worship him and call him once a week?
Faith? You said that before. You’re repeating yourself. What do you mean, science is just a theory? What does that have to do with anything? Wait. You’re attacking me. What do you mean, I’m not being open minded? Look, I just asked a couple questions. I didn’t mean to get you all worked up. I think you’re quaking, dude. Get a grip.
Well, I’m going now. You have a good birthday. And, seriously, cut back on the drinking.
Posted on October 22nd, 2005 under Wacky by grouchy
I have a friend who works for a tractor company. Whatever they grow on that farm, I want me some!
Posted on October 1st, 2005 under Rants & Commentary and Wacky by grouchy
It appears that Mr. William Bennett, former Secretary of Education and currently a syndicated talk show host, has offended many people by commenting that crime would drop if we aborted black babies. I don’t exactly know who he was including in “we” but that really doesn’t matter. I suspect that he was not formulating an actual plan, although I myself have advocated dumping tons of RU-486 into the water supply of developing nations, urban centers and France. I suspect instead that he was stating an obvious fact, which is a majority of prisoners happen to be of the African American persuasion. While it may be statistically correct, it seems many feel this was inappropriate in the extreme.
Bennett is under fire for saying Wednesday that “you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down.” He followed this by adding that such a thing would be “an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do.”
In order to make the most of this situation, Mr. Bennett is now going to be a spokesman for “T-Shirt Hell”.
