Posted on February 14th, 2004 under Rants & Commentary by grouchy
Most of what I do seems to amount to ranting and raving. Well, let me start off this week with an apology to the Brucia family in Florida. When I wrote about the Mormon who abducted the 11-year old girl, I did not yet know of her fate. Police have since captured the suspect, no doubt with the help of my posting the culprit’s visage on my website. If he indeed killed the little girl, hanging him by his balls and feeding him to small sharks, while simultaneously covering him in honey and letting African Killer bees swarm on him would be too kind.
There’s not much new in the news this week. I often search the web, far-and-wide, for the special sort of news and gossip that my readers seek so desperately. You’ve probably grown tired of the Janet Jackson Boob Scandal. And, you’ve probably already seen the shot of Miss Piggy baring pork-flesh in an attempt to capitalize on the brouhaha…
Of course, today is Valentine’s Day. As you can see, even Google is getting into the act. (No, not Booble, though that’s an easy mistake to make!)
A disgusting display of crass-commercialism. This is a holiday wasted on the young and you have two types of people that fall for it. The same morons who buy into the gift and greeting card craze for EVERY holiday that comes along. And there are quite a few! And the other type of person is the mushy, tree-hugging romantic that feels the need to show wanton public displays of affection with their love on the subway, or across from Dr. Grouchy when he’s trying to eat his Big Mac in peace and quiet. Put your tounge back in your own mouth and stop it. Now!
Maybe it’s the fact that Dr. Grouchy isn’t quite the ladies man you may expect him to be. It’s of my own choosing, mind you. I think it is all silly. If a man really wants a woman, he’ll pay for it, just like my father did, and his father before him. (We can assume, because he never knew his father.) Anyway, the point is, stop believing that you have to buy roses
and diamonds and just do something you enjoy and be a good person, or the best you can be, year round. Not when the person that you never speak to at the office… who always brings in balloons for birthdays, and who feels like scheduling group hugs, or who pries into your personal life and asks, “How are you doing today?” When that person gives you and every other person in the office a little Valentine’s Day card. You don’t have to buy
into it. Even if you might have thought that it was from a secret admirer, and you got a little flushed and excited, until you opened the card and saw that it was the same thing the guy who works next to you and picks his nose and never washes his hair got.
That’s right. Don’t be a sucker. It’s all just a ploy to get your money. I’m sure that there’s some Greeting Card King sitting in his fancy house, counting his money and laughing that someone fooled you into thinking that someone could ever love someone like you. Plus, the over-commercialization stuff I said. Well, I see by my redneck Palm Pilot, that I have to go and get drunk before my Valentine’s date tonight. I’d better remember to stop by the ATM and take out some cash too, and get it changed into singles….
Posted on February 11th, 2004 under Rants & Commentary by grouchy
I am flabbergasted that an ex-antiestablishmentarianist like John Kerry would call into question President Bush’s military record. What are these campaigns coming to? Must the mud slinging begin so far from the true election? Have we already finished with all the mud slinging amongst the Democrats themselves and now have to turn to lambaste our Commander-in-Chief?
President “W” is a man of simple character and wisdom and has proven himself in the many times he faced death by flying to Iraq in the middle of the night on Air Force One. There’s not a lot of proof, because he did all this at night and kept it hush hush, but it happened. I know that he personally led troops against some of the most fierce combatants in the region. In Afghanistan alone, he searched many caves and turned over many rocks looking for Osama bin Laden. [As you can see by the image, he was only successful in finding his cousin, Kenny.] He’s gone up to Capitol Hill a number of times, unsupervised and unchaparoned, and been ambushed by any number of Liberals, and come away unscathed. And, that’s nothing compared to the time that Laura caught George and their neighbor Larry installing free cable in the Whitehouse. [more]
So, “dub”, who is an old buddy of mine from when I was workin’ the mess hall down for the National Guard in Alabama. “Dub” always cleaned his plate. Never got to know him socially, but then again, Dr. Grouchy was only there for a few weeks before the CIA some agency recruited him to fly missions in Southeast Asia. So, while “Dub” and yours truly were serving our country as patriots, most of those Democrats were spouting off about how bad the war was and how people should desert and run away to Canada! [Don't get me started on the Canadians!] Plus, there was that time that John Kerry went AWOL that no one knows about! He got a weekend pass and became a roadie for Jane Fonda. [Although he eventually went back and finished the war, which was probably a good thing. But the point is, he didn't kill Hanoi Jane Fonda when he had a chance. Just like Bush Sr. didn't kill ol' Saddam when he could have back in the Gulf War!]
Embedded Link to The Washington Times website:
Dr. Grouchy is putting his foot down! Enough is enough. If you want to call out Dr. Grouchy, Ph.D., he’ll break out a can of 30-year-old millitary-issue Whoop-Ass, and start some hardcore research on the Internet and set the record straight! Blah, Blah, and moreover Blah…
Posted on February 5th, 2004 under Rants & Commentary by grouchy
Well, I decided to give “real news” a try and listen folks, it sucks! It is all too depressing. Floods are due out East. People are dying in Iraq. All is not the Peace and Prosperity that the Super Bowl Half-time commercials may have lead you to believe!
There was an 11-year old girl abducted this week in Florida, and it was recorded on video. That has led authorities to believe that Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon religion, was the abductor. It only goes to show that these cults are getting out of hand. I searched for this guy on the Internet and even included a picture, in case you spot this guy on the Turnpike. A sad state of affairs. I have several daughters myself. I haven’t met them, but I hear I have some from my travels… and they’re probably nice and good lookers too if they take after their old man… So, my best wishes go out to the girl and her family.
With the weather this week freezing and flooding, I can’t decide if I believe in Global Warming or the New Ice Age theory. On top of that, the football season is over, and it’s very gray and depressing out. However, I am sitting here, working on my G3 laptop, and preparing for my class on “Theater Criticism in Boroque Europe” that I teach at Uncle Bennie’s School of Cosmotology, Auto Repair and Animal Husbandry. So, I’ve got that going for me. And, in case you care, my groin is feeling much better. Thank you!
Check out John’s Rant on “Why PCs are for Sissies, and Real Men Use Macs” on Null Session. Give ‘em Hell, buddy! You ain’t never gonna catch me wearing a suit and typing my class notes on a Pee Cee! Dr. Grouchy is no company-man, he’s a free spirit…. Well, I’ve gotta move the van, looks like the cops are checking me out. Later!
Posted on February 5th, 2004 under Rants & Commentary by grouchy
The good doctor has been spending all his time scouring the Internet for News. He’s found lots of junks about “Martian Brain Surgery” and “The War on Terrorism” and “Those Wacky Democrats”, and, of course, kidnappings, natural disasters and “The Oscars”… But, the only important news story in America is: The Super Bowl Half-Time Show.
Dr. Grouchy feels there should be a greater sensitivity regarding the nipple-incident. Truly, this can be an awakening in America! Let’s if we can all try to be more boob-conscious, as we rebuild and recover from this Shock and Awe! As you sit at Hooters waiting to be served, take a moment to work some of these catchy phrases into your conversation with your trucker buddies:
- “Is it cold in here, or is our waitress pointing at you?”
- “I was so taken with that Super Bowl Half-Time show, that I’ve decided to start an “All Breast Feeding” Diet.”
- “Did you catch that “Jack-Rack” last weekend?”
- “I hear Michael Jackson is going to use the “Wardrobe Malfunction” defense in his child molestation case.”
- “Did you hear? Janet Jackson is going to star in RoboCop V, and the whole thing was a publicity stunt!”
- “Did you enjoy the Super Bowl?” “No. It was a big bust.” “Hey… I found it titilating!”
- “Did you hear? Janet Jackson released a single last weekend!”
- “I guess there are two teat-o’s in the Jackson family now!”
- “This is nothing new. Michael started baring his breasts in the 80s.”
- “For some strange reason, I’ve been thinking of taking a vacation to Lake Titicaca.”
- “I heard it was a public service announcement for Breast Cancer gone terribly awry.”
- “I’ve just been glued to the Boob-Tube lately.”
- “It was the breast of times, it was the wurst of times.”
- “Miss Jackson’s banned from the Grammies. They don’t want it to turn into the Mammies. I guess they’ll have to find another nip-hop star to fill in.”
- “Is it true? Janet Jackson’s mom is doing a cameo on ER?”
- “It was just to distract the viewers from Kid Rock wearing a flag as a pancho!”
- Random words to work in: “Fleshdance” “You boob!” “Tit-mouse” “keeping abreast of the situation” “Tit for Tat” “Glandiron (© Dr. Grouchy)”
Let’s leave it at that. I’m sure I’ve only scratched the Tip of the Iceburg… but, I feel I have a responsibility to keep you, the public, exposed to the really important news. That’s right, News about Celebrities! Not silly stuff about Weapons of Breast Mass Destruction… or Elections… or Cool Pictures from Mars! Nope. Celebrities. I gots me priorities right, fo’ shizzle. Give me Martha Stewart and the Jack Pack any day of the week, and keep yo’ boring ol’ News! That’s why you come to Dr. Grouchy, Ph.D. - for the 411 on what matters. Manufacured stories about celebrities, targeted to pander to your immediate need for gossip and hype! Y’All come back now, y’hear!
Posted on February 3rd, 2004 under Rants & Commentary by grouchy
[If all you're looking for is nudity... Shame on you! Click here. And Here. And Here.]
Well, Excuse ME! I thought that football tournaments were supposed to focus on the majesty of the “game”. Two teams of titans pitted against one another, as gladiators locked in a mortal battle. The slap of pigskin, the thunder of linesmen and the pinnacle of athleticism. AND YET, it seems that Super Bowl XXXVIII was less about the peak of perfection and more about peeking at JANET JACKSON’S metal encrusted teat!
Let me not be distracted from describing what was a spectacularly exciting last 5 minutes of Super Bowl XXXVIII… BUT, come on, MTV generates hype over the half-time show and promises something “spectacular” and what do you expect? Can Justin Timberlake truly top his Ex, Brittney Spears, who stuck her tounge down Madonna’s throat during last year’s 2003 MTV Music Awards?? There was certainly a much larger audience as the gyrating pop-sensation helped Miss Jackson’s clothings malfunction.
[ CLICK HERE FOR RACY YET NEWSWORTHY POP-UP EXPOSING ALL!! ]
| 
Was it just a “sneak peek” though?? NO. Certainly Not! It was an unabashed, full-on, BREAST BARING to end all breast barings. JANET exposed her electroplated nipple for the world to gawk at. And what was up with that? A pasty? No, my children, surely not! It was indeed some sort of metalic medalion afixed to the mammary! Was this some horific torture device? Perhpas surgery by her brother Michael’s plastic surgeon gone terribly awry? OR, perhaps she was planning on this coming out party and just decided to dress for the occasion!
Whatever the case, and whatever the excuse, the children of America are terribly scarred for life, and must now undergo years of therapy for having been forced to see……. A NIPPLE! If only we could return to those happy-go-lucky years gone by when no one wore underwear on the outside of their clothes. When womanly virtue was hidden beneath a Victorian hoop-skirt, and a racy show of skin was catching a glimpse of an ankle….
As a TRUE AMERICAN, I am outraged. We shield our nipples in this country. This isn’t FRANCE, after all. Our children gather once a year, to watch the Super Bowl. This is supposed to be an atheletic event where MANLY MEN gather on a GREAT GRIDIRON to decide who has the BEST FOOTBALL TEAM in the WORLD, through a wholesome, bone-crushing, offensive as one team ASSAULTS another in a SAVAGE and MANLY display of SPORTS! And what does MTV turn it into?? A SEX-FILLED ostentatious display of SINGING and BOOBS! For shame, MTV…. For shame! Instead of a gridiron, our children are fixated, pie-eyed, oggling JANET JACKSON’S GLANDIRON!! - For shame! I can appreciate a day of indoctrinating our children in the pastime of BEER, PIZZA, HOT WINGS and BLOOD & GORE… But… A breast?? MTV, have you no decency??
Well, this spectacle ranks right up there with the Brittney/Madonna Kiss, and the Michael/Lisa Marie forced-kiss. It was a PURE MTV MARKETING PLOY, as sure as my name is Dr. Grouchy, Ph.D. Janet Jackson has now truly reached the ultimate level of infamy, previously reserved only for the likes LaToya and Michael. Is it a desperate attempt to inflate her waning career, or a sign of the impending Apocolypse? What, oh what, will MTV think of next? I put nothing past them! And, will our nation have a time of HEALING? Will we ever be able to watch a half-time show again, without covering our eyes?? I for one cannot wait until Super Bowl XXXVIV to find out!
Notice: Dr. Grouchy dot com posts these images ONLY for the further edification of our audience and for the enhancement of education and acurate potification on newsworthy items! Dr. Grouchy does not pander to the masses and post sexy images or sensationalize items for his own benefit! (Images courtesy Matt Drudge.)
Posted on February 1st, 2004 under Movie Reviews by grouchy
Boy, that Ashley Judd is hot. I wish she had been in one of these movies. It might have made them worth sitting through after all. Well, Dr. Grouchy spent some time laid up with a pulled groin this past month, so he watched a bunch of DVD rentals. Back before my travels in the South Pacific, we had the war between Betamax and VHS. After being rescued from my tropical paradise, so I could live in sub-zero weather in my van down by the river, it is awfully darn difficult to find movies in VHS for my old player. So, I actually had to buy a DVD player for Christmas.
Other than two movies at the theater, I was laid out on the waterbed in the back of my Vanagon, with a long extension cord run over to the outlet at the Super 8 Motel, and a pile of 49-cent burritos from Lupe’s Taco Shack and a twelve-pack of Old Style, and a stack of DVDs to watch.
Here’s the list of movies I saw, and I’ll give you my two-cents on all of ‘em. Pirates of the Carribean, Peter Pan, The Butterfly Effect, Open Range, Out of Time, The Italian Job, Underworld, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Three Blind Mice, Xmen-2, Bad Boys II, Freaky Friday, Bruce Almighty….
(more…)
