Posted on March 13th, 2006 under Rants & Commentary and Wacky by grouchy
It is basketball season, and everyone is talking about sports again instead of doing work. What’s up with guys and sports? I like a good match-up here and there, but I am not obsessed with it. I do not memorize statistics about sweaty strangers who like to pass balls up and down the court. I don’t mind basketball, just like I don’t mind hockey or golf. I don’t despise it like I do baseball. God, I mentioned that word! I forgot that is coming up. I think one co-worker is spending this week (the kids get spring break this week, so everyone from work figures that means THEY can up and take vacation)… he is spending this week at spring training for the Cubs in Florida. Ouch!
My theory is that many men like other men, more men than you might think. They really want to “look” in the locker room. They “like” showering with other men, and patting them on the butts. Men who like other men love to talk about sports. They love watching sweaty men compete and their heart rates jump when they accidentally touch one another.
Talking about sports, especially at work is a way to convince other men that they are straight, when in fact anyone who obsesses on other men like this is clearly gay. I don’t mean this in the “I am happy” way, but in the sweaty, agressive, man-sex way. Baseball fans even more-so. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, let’s just keep the locker room discussions out of the workplace. It cuts into my nap-time, between classes.
Did you subscribe to Sports Illustrated instead of Teen Beat when you were an overly-hormonal teen, because you couldn’t come out of the closet? Talk about your heartthrob, who takes steroids, somewhere else. Maybe at a sports bar (secretly, this would make sports bars “gay bars”.) Have you noticed everyone at a sports bar smokes? This is because they really want a penis in their mouth. OK, I could have said that better - they have an oral fixation. But, is that to be expected when they watch muscular, sweaty men wrestle and fight on TV? Like gladiators or Greco-Roman wrestlers… not that Greeks were gay, or anything. Just like Greek frat-boys aren’t closet homosexuals. I’d never call them that. Heck, people can do anything they like with a paddle and rope in the privacy of their own state-school funded frat-house basement. (Don’t most frat-boys love sports and play sports?)
Not that there’s anything WRONG with that!
Posted on December 5th, 2005 under Rants & Commentary by grouchy
I have, of recent times, found myself to be questioning the origins of life, as well as the cosmic origins of the universe and pretty much everything. Thus, I sit cross-legged and ensconced in a shirt with the number “42″ on the front before my Internet throne and wiki on a wet and gray Sunday in late November.
- Last Thursdayism [from the church website]
The Church of Last Thursday of Queen Maeve [ faq | wiki ]
The Fastest growing Church in the world! *
Last Thursdayism is the belief that my cat, Queen Maeve, created the universe Last Thursday. There is a lot of evidence for Last Thursdayism (though I won’t mention most of it here). The best evidence is the finicky design of the universe and of the human species. The learned observer can obviously see that we were designed as a slave race for cats. Think about it, will you?
We’re all awaiting judgement day, Next Thursday, when Maeve will judge our souls based on our kindness towards cats of all kinds.
The duties of Church members are few. You have but to scratch the head of, rub the belly of, give a kitty treat to, etc a cat at least once a week. This is the minimum for salvation. Becoming a slave to a cat (often incorrectly refered to as “owning a cat”) is one of the best things you can do.
Those who are judged favorably by Maeve will be entered into paradise where they will become cats. Heathens become slaves to cats in paradise. Those who are cruel to cats will have their souls cast into the Eternal Litterbox where they will wander forever. The Eternal Litterbox is never cleaned.
It’s a wonderful belief system and I plan to have it introduced into the public schools. After all, why shouldn’t we have “equal time” with godless evolutionism, wacky creationism, and the Invisible Pink Unicorn? I’m working on a purriculum that includes bringing Queen Maeve into the classroom to answer questions (if she feels like it). This is something that cannot be done with those “other theories.”
- The Invisible Pink Unicorn
The church of The Invisible Pink Unicorn began to spread on the Internet, sometime around 1990. It is common when discussing the Invisible Pink Unicorn to point out that because she is invisible, no one can prove she does not exist.
“Invisible Pink Unicorns are beings of great spiritual power. We know this because they are capable of being invisible and pink at the same time. Like all religions, the Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorns is based upon both logic and faith. We have faith that they are pink; we logically know that they are invisible because we can’t see them.” –Steve Eley, IPU Chief Advocate and Spokesguy
The IPU has a fondness for raisin bread (which symbolizes the expanding universe). It is more or less agreed that she is partial to ham and pineapple pizza, although some vegetarians dissent, arguing that since IPU is vegetarian, it must be pineapple and mushrooms. Pineapple, anyway, is agreed upon, as is the fact that she despises pepperoni. Another point of agreement is that IPU “raptures” socks, which accounts for their otherwise inexplicable tendency to disappear. Socks raptured from your laundry are allegedly a “sign” of favor from IPU — or it could be disfavor, depending on who is asked, or perhaps upon which socks are raptured. Skeptics might suggest one seek a deeper understanding by looking under the washing machine’s agitator for “raptured” garments.
The antithesis of The IPU is the Purple Oyster (of Doom), or “PO(oD)”, who is said to have originally been one of the minions of the Invisible Pink Unicorn, but he was cast out of Her Pastures for the Great Evil of attempting to convince believers of the heretical notion that pepperoni and mushroom pizza is more pleasing to Her than the pineapple and ham. It is said that a Judgment Day will transpire, the Day of Oats and Hay, when the Purple Oyster (of Doom) will be reconciled with the Invisible Pink Unicorn, and return to Her service. [ wiki ]
“For I did see my unworthiness in Her sight, for I was a sinner, destined forever to spend existence in the presence of the unholy Purple Oyster; Waxing his shell and massaging his most wretched and slimy feet. For, lo, the Purple Oyster doth truly have feet, and the legs thereof, and the toes thereof, giving him dominion over all the clams of the seas, and allowing him to go unto the children of men, and tempt them unto destruction.
– The Revelation of St. Bryce the Long-Winded (Partial), Chapter One, Verses 9 to 11″
There is a similar religion based on The Invisible Green Dragon, which seems to have withered in recent years. I believe Carl Sagan had an “IGD” which breathed “heatless fire” living in his garage.
- Flying Spaghetti Monsterism [ link | wiki ]
I have discussed this religion before, and it seems to be one of the best developed on this list. Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (FSM) was exposed to the public for the first time in 2005, in response to the Kansas Board of Education decision to allow Creationism into schools.
Beliefs of FSM:
- An invisible and undetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe, starting with a mountain, trees and a “midgit”. All evidence pointing towards evolution was intentionally planted by this being.
- Global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct consequence of the decline in numbers of pirates since the 1800s. A graph showing the inverse correlation between the pirates and global temperatures was also provided. This component of the theory highlights the logical fallacy of correlation implying causation.
- It is disrespectful to teach their beliefs without wearing “His” chosen outfit, full pirate regalia.
- The monster continues to guide human affairs with his “noodly appendage”.
- Prayers to “Him” are typically ended by “Ramen”, instead of “Amen”.
- Heaven has a stripper factory and a beer volcano.
- Bobby Henderson is the “prophet” of this religion.
- Every Friday is a religious holiday.
- The Church of Scientology [ wiki ]
This is certainly the most professional “Alternate Religion.” This religion was developed as an alternative to the “the conspiricy of the modern mental health profession.” It was developed by science-fiction writer, L. Ron Hubbard, which also makes it one of the most developed and creative of the religions listed here. Let me give you some reasons why.
When you reach the very highest levels of the Scientology Cult Church, you are told the highly comical story of Xenu, a galactic tyrant who decided to thin out the galactic population by flying “hundreds of billions” to Earth in “space planes” that closely resembled DC-8 airlines. Xenu exterminated these frozen victims by placing them near active volcanoes some 75 million years ago. A good science-fiction writer knows that overkill only lends credibility to a story, so Hubbard claimed that Xenu also chose to destroy them with “hydrogen bombs”. He then brainwashed (Xenu, not Hubbard) the “Thetans” with movies about Jesus, and the Thetans got confused and thought they were people and somehow came to inhabit our (human) bodies. Given that there are only a few billion human beings, and there used to be many fewer, that comes out to possibly hundreds of misguided “Thetan” spirits inhabiting our bodies. There also seems to be a 75 million year gap between when Xenu first arrived on Earth (during the reign of the dinosaurs) and the time of humans (and Jesus). Perhaps he amused himself by flying around in one of the hundred million spaceships he used to transport all those frozen Thetan-sicles. Maybe XENU is the so-called “creator” referred to in the “Intelligent Design Religion” - but, I digress.
So, a pretty exciting religion. Plus, there is a chance if I donate enough money, I’ll get to meet marginal actors like Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Kirstie Alley on a cruise where I can learn about the many past lives of L. Ron Hubbard, and other Scientologists who recall having love affairs with robots, being an intergalactic walrus that fell out of a space pick-up and even a happy being who lived on the planet Nostral 23 billion years ago (about 9 billion years BEFORE the Big Bang.) So, despite some people calling Scientology a cult or a scam, or a big-old tax evasion scheme, I am sure there are some cool movie nights and gatherings with Kool-Aid on some mountaintop where we can wait for the DC-8s filled with awesome aliens to land so Travolta can fly us to play with the walruses on the Moon!
- Intelligent Design [ wiki ]
This religion asserts that the “Universe” is filled with complicated “Things”, and because the Intelligent Design (ID) priests cannot understand the hard science classes, like biology and geology, they cannot understand how simple things can eventually become complex things. The solution ended up being a magical supernatural being.
This is a simple religion to understand, despite the fact that the ID priests continue to call it “science”. Basically, you think really hard of a rational reason that you can understand in simple terms, and then you explain it very slowly to a bunch of people who have already made up their mind that the Earth is 5000 years old, created in exactly seven 24-hour days by a large white man with a big beard, who later flooded the planet, forcing another smaller bearded man to load up a large boat with two of every species on the planet. (Why the large bearded guy couldn’t just recreate all the animals after the flood with a snap or his large fingers, is beside the point. Likewise, it is not fair to ask how a planet filled with a hundred million different species can all fit on a boat, including dinosaurs ridden by cavemen.) This religion is often seen as a pseudo-science extension of fundamental Christianity, supported by people who interpret the bible literally and call down a rain of frogs on anyone who questions their rationale. Facts get in the way of people who have already made up their minds that the Earth is flat.
These people are not nearly as fun as the Scientologists, and their science-fiction is all fire and brimstone, with none of the fancy aliens in space-airplanes.
- Here are some other Parody Religions and Mainstream Religions Intended to be Taken Seriously
I am still at a loss. All of these religions have so many “positive” qualities that I just can’t choose between them. I think I am going to consider starting my own religion, “Grouchyism.” In the meantime, I will turn on reruns of Star Trek (the original series), put on my velour shirt, and order Domino’s Pizza while I worship at the alter of Shatner.
Posted on December 3rd, 2005 under Rants & Commentary by grouchy
Yes, you heard me. I want to shoot the Governor.
That doesn’t mean I’ll do it, just something I’ve been ruminating on since I was forced to go through the third degree when I went to buy some Sudafed at the grocery store. The new LAW requires that I provide my license and buy this over-the-counter medication from a pharmacist, because I might take 1 or 2 packages of Sudafed and a bottle of Draino and turn my VAN into a METH LAB.
It really bunches my girdle to have to submit to an interrogation, sign my name, take off my shoes and place any sharp items in my pockets into a basket before swearing on a stack of bibles that i will only use this medication for its stated purpose: SO I CAN BREATHE! Hell, I was heading to work the other day and all congested and went into one of the 50,000 Walgreen’s stores in the major metropolitan area, and I couldn’t buy any because they needed a freaking pharmacist to issue it. I guess they trust the girl who opens the store with $100,000 of merchandise, but she might just turn into a fucking drug dealer if she had access to Sudafed!
It makes me even grouchier than usual, to be insulted by idiotic laws in America. Lawmakers want to regulate and tax everything they can, and then on top of that, when there’s a topic like DRUGS or SEX OFFENDERS they seize on it as a chance to win votes and get re-elected. “YES, you didn’t have a problem with (SEX OFFENDERS/DRUG DEALERS) in your neighborhood, but this nifty law I passed sure sounds good, don’t it?” I don’t CARE a flying Fig Newton if all the drug addicts shoot each other, and overdose on homegrown meth-amphetamines. I just want to pick up a Goddamned package of Sudafed so I can fucking breathe, whenever I need it, wherever it is sold.
DEAR LAWMAKERS, stop taking all the fucking rights away from decent citizens who don’t break the law. Stop assuming that you have to prevent good people from doing stupid things, and wait until we break the law FIRST before you harass us. If I need to give you my blood, my fingerprints, my retinal scan or my fucking DNA, I will do it. We are way past the point where we can debate the fine points of our personal liberties. If you tell me that I need a national identity card, and I can give you my fingerprints, eye scan and show my license and plane ticket and walk on the plane without a full body cavity search, then tell me what line to stand in to get one. I am on board. Same goes for non-prescription medication. Or, about anything else that will allow upstanding citizens to avoid being treated like criminals.
If thoughts could kill, all you smart-ass lawmakers would be in BIG TROUBLE. You’ll find me in my van, down by the river with a stuffy nose thinking very bad thoughts about all of you. Including our idiot governor!
Posted on November 13th, 2005 under Rants & Commentary by grouchy
OK. It’s Sunday morning, and I just finished preaching for quarters down by the riverboat casino. My sermon today covered some of my favorite topics: “Fear The Wrath of God, Or He’ll Smite Thee,” “Building The Case for More Torture,” “Americans are Too Mushy, Stiffen That Upper Lip” and “Gays Should Just Go Back In The Closet… Just As Long As It Isn’t mine!” That all went well, and I raised enough to cover my “Moons Over My Hammy” at Denny’s. Too bad for the waitress, I didn’t have quite enough to leave her a tip.
I’m back in the park in my van, across from the elementary school. (This is where the police ran me off on Halloween. Damn those sex offender laws!) Anyhow, I’m watching TV and a rerun of Star Trek: Enterprise comes on. I thought it was an episode of Quantum Leap at first, but the gay theme song gave it away. This is why “Enterprise” was cancelled, not poor writing or a lack of slutty green alien wenches. It is the kind of theme song you’d expect in a 1970s “family drama” starring Wilfred Brimley. I guess even gay folk-rock guitar players love the Star Trek franchise.
So, while I have the music muted on the TV, I happen to type ‘Star Trek’ into the Amazon.com search engine and come across this. If some rich Trekkie buys this set, will they have to keep the episodes of Enterprise and all the even numbered movies in the closet?
Is this what they transported to the planet Omega III in Futurama Season 4 Episode 12?
Oh well, there’s a hot blue Andorian chick kicking ass in a skimpy space suit, so let me finish and free up my typing hand. And, look what else I found on the Internet. I guess Enterprise isn’t all that gay, just the theme song.
Posted on October 24th, 2005 under Rants & Commentary by grouchy
Hey, man, happy b-day!
What? You’re only 6009 years young? Good for you.
Just a suggestion, and I only say this as a friend, but you might want to cut back on the drinking and partying. You’re looking a lot older that it says on your driver’s license. You’ve got that male pattern balding going on up top, too.
Oh, sure. You’re probably right. It’s probably those pesky humans. Yep, greenhouse effect.
Well, that can’t account for ALL the aging. I mean, look at your sedimentary layers. You don’t just put that on overnight! You must have been packing it on for, say four and a half billion years? I’m just guessing. Your atmosphere is heavy in oxygen, you’ve developed continental drift and you’re pretty much infested with a diversity of life that is unheard of on such a young planet.
And, then there’s a matter of the fossil record. It suggests that all the creatures on the planet share very similar DNA, and came from common simple origins in the early oceans. That seems like a beautiful story. God created the Universe, and after about 9 billion years, you were born. Then life developed over another 4.5 billion years, as the fossil record and other evidence suggest. Beautiful, really beautiful.
Oh. That disagrees with what God told a guy to tell another guy, and so on, and eventually write in a book, that was later heavily edited and translated. And, faith is based on the literal details given in this book, not because people couldn’t understand more complicated explanations, but because it was the TRUTH and DIVINE. People need to believe, even in the absence of proof, or when the evidence is contradictory.
Ah. Of course, God made you that way to test the humans. I understand. So that someday, when they developed science and radioactive carbon dating they’d be fooled into thinking you were older than you are. I see. Was this so you could get into bars or something? Maybe hang out with the older planets?
No? It was so even scientists could get into heaven. Wow! That is really cool of God and all. If it weren’t for this kind of deception, then scientists would be eternally damned to keep retaking Freshman chemistry in purgatory for eternity. That would really suck. This gives scientists a choice, so they can choose faith over evidence. So, now everyone goes to heaven, right?
No, again? Well, what happens to everyone who can’t get past the facts and have faith in the literal interpretation of that book? Hell, right, of course. So, how many humans will actually get to see heaven? Twelve? Gee, that doesn’t seem fair. Why would a God capable of creating the Universe in all its glory, and who invented the laws of physics, then be sneaky to fool humans, which he (or she) created? Isn’t it hubris to think a divine being, who is omnipotent and omnipresent, would behave in a sneaky way like some flawed human? With hidden motives, vengeance and the vanity to punish those who don’t worship him and call him once a week?
Faith? You said that before. You’re repeating yourself. What do you mean, science is just a theory? What does that have to do with anything? Wait. You’re attacking me. What do you mean, I’m not being open minded? Look, I just asked a couple questions. I didn’t mean to get you all worked up. I think you’re quaking, dude. Get a grip.
Well, I’m going now. You have a good birthday. And, seriously, cut back on the drinking.
Posted on October 1st, 2005 under Rants & Commentary and Wacky by grouchy
It appears that Mr. William Bennett, former Secretary of Education and currently a syndicated talk show host, has offended many people by commenting that crime would drop if we aborted black babies. I don’t exactly know who he was including in “we” but that really doesn’t matter. I suspect that he was not formulating an actual plan, although I myself have advocated dumping tons of RU-486 into the water supply of developing nations, urban centers and France. I suspect instead that he was stating an obvious fact, which is a majority of prisoners happen to be of the African American persuasion. While it may be statistically correct, it seems many feel this was inappropriate in the extreme.
Bennett is under fire for saying Wednesday that “you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down.” He followed this by adding that such a thing would be “an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do.”
In order to make the most of this situation, Mr. Bennett is now going to be a spokesman for “T-Shirt Hell”.
