Dr. Grouchy reviews movies and comments on the state of things in his weblog.
The doctor has a wit like a box of sharp glass, and is hailed far and wide as
an expert on most matters. Dr. Grouchy has a Ph.D. in Criticism that he applied for online
and paid for with boxtops.
Wow! I am blown away. It appears that there have been some pretty convincing evidence that GOD EXISTS! Not only has GOD “created Man”, but he added creature comforts that you wouldn’t find in some Korean knock-off, or base model being.
In this clip, Kirk Cameron (that cute, stupid kid from “Growing Pains” in the 1980s) and his buddy, Rev. Ray Comfort prove conclusively that GOD masterbates. They discuss the “banana” fitting the human hand perfectly. Of course, you know they are really talking about the penis. The male member fits perfectly into the male (or female) fist (or other orifaces). The difference, which Rev. Ray alludes to, is that the banana is easy to eat, but it doesn’t explode in your face, while the penis does if operated properly. (I think that Rev. Ray’s last name is also proof that GOD wants you to enjoy life!!)
Since Man was created in the image of GOD, it is clear that GOD must have a really huge penis and he must enjoy getting off as much as a 14-year old with a girlie magazine and an extra-large bottle of Lubriderm. This makes one wonder, what magazine does GOD use to engorge his lordly banana? Maybe, “Hot Busty Female Deity Monthly?”
In addition to proving beyond a reasonable doubt that GOD wants you to “beat the bishop”, the God Squad has proven conclusively that Man and Ape are related. They both like bananas and penises. It also proves that Man is not related to Dogs, because Man cannot lick his own penis (except for some lucky dogs).
Kirk Cameron has done converted this van-living heathen. Proof is as clear as the “Crock-o-duck”. I’ve never seen one, so that MUST mean GOD exists. (Of course, I’ve never seen a Bigfoot either.) This also proves that Bill O’Reilly is really really smart. If he can’t “imagine” the Earth being created by natural processes, it must have been created by GOD in his planet factory.
Frankly, I’ve been so busy celebrating my new status as a “Born Again Masturbater” that I haven’t had time to even view these movies, but if they’re about bananas, they MUST be some good shit. You can watch them… I have a nut to bust. I think it is some kind of rebuttal or something, by some crazy Evolutionists.
Is’t thous stills’t a doubter of the great oscillating creator?? Here is further proof that GOD is the great creator. Other than “Cousin Eddie’s Peanut Butter I made with Nuts in my Trailer” - I have certainly never seen mice spontaneously created in a jar of peanut butter. Ergo, since peanut butter cannot spontaneously transmute into living organisms, we cannot have evolved from apes. I guess after GOD chokes his Galactic Chicken, he must follow it up with a PBJ sandwich. Yummy!
[One astute viewer points out that if peanut butter doesn't have a moon, it must disprove the theory of gravity. Bravo! Fuck you, Newton!!]
Halleluja! I am convinced. This life is too hard, but I can screw it up because soon JESUS will come back and we will all stroke our bananas and have a big RAPTURE! Heaven must be one big ORGY followed up with peanut butter sandwiches. I’m sold!
ZOMG! I just made the connection:
GOD made bananas and penises.
GOD loves to masturbate.
GOD made humans in his image. Masturbation is worship.
GOD took the form of MAN to DIE for our SINS.
ELVIS loves Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches and died whacking off on the toilet.
Therefore, ELVIS = GOD.
Thank you Kirk Cameron. Thank you so much!! You have changed my life! I am going to rush home and build a shrine to Elvis, our LORD. It will be awesome, with candles and bananas and some little toy monkeys and a jar of peanut butter and a jar of KY jelly and a box of Kleenex tissues with Aloe. I will decorate it with many pictures of penises, which isn’t GAY at all, because it’s holy you fucking blasphemer!
What a bunch of lazy bastards you all are. You barely work 50-60 hours a week, while Dr. Grouchy is busy with four or five jobs, like he’s some kind of Jamaican.
I try to inspire the next generation of college students to work hard and become rocket scientists and engineers and dairy maids, but NO, they are too lazy. They figure they’ll just take money from their parents, and lay about the house. When that runs out, they’ll suck at the teat of Uncle Sam. Well, there’s just no way we can afford to compete with the Asians, run a couple of wars and cut taxes every year, like we have to do… not if these kids aren’t planning on working hard and making six-figure incomes after college. Hell, half of ‘em will probably drop out and not finish college anyways, then they’ll wanna take my third job flipping burgers late-nite at Wendy’s. And, that’s barely a five-figure income. Jebus and Marley! How are we gonna afford to build roads and jet-powered cars that don’t need those roads, if we don’t have lots of MONEY and ENGINEERS? We get a lot of good crap from the Chinese, maybe we can get US dollars from them cheap, I don’t know. I’ll ask when I’m working the graveyard shift at Wal-Mart.
What is it with the over-sensitive crowd these days? Back when I was a boy, in the olden days, we used a lot of words that we are “forbidden” to use today. Soda jerk, flaccid and flapper come to mind.
For example, I am not supposed to use the N-word. Well, even old Dr. Grouchy understands that. That word never meant nothin’ good anyway. Words that are used only in a negative way shouldn’t be part of our language. It’s not right for anyone to use them, even if they are a part of the minority, because it legitimizes a term that shouldn’t be alright in any condition.
Now, “fuck” - there’s a good word. I find that word useful everyday. I don’t use it around little kids, just my college students who are always saying, “Fuckity fuck this,” and “Fuckity fuck that.” So, I figure that don’t matter much nohow.
So, I was reading a recent column from my favorite, hot conservative maven, Ann Coulter (link), and it occurred to me how gol-darn politically incorrect the Grouch-meister really is. I’m surprised I can go out in public, let alone have a bomb blog.
We live in a world where people think they can have their yellow cake, and eat it too. People feel we can just give the world a hug and a Coke, and they’ll all love us. War can be avoided by “understanding” the enemy. It isn’t politically correct to suggest that the United States is trying to bring freedom to the people of Iraq. Liberals cry that Iraqis aren’t accustomed to freedom, and don’t desire it and we are forcing it on them. Talk about bigotry and racism; I guess Arabs don’t deserve to live in freedom if it requires effort. Liberals proudly display bumper stickers suggesting we invade China to liberate Tibet, but have no problem ignoring the suffering of Iraqis.
Lib-Lez talk-show host, Rosie O’Donnell seems to wrap herself pretty tightly in the flag claiming freedom of speech, when she accuses the administration of war crimes, but then lights the flag on fire without any appreciation for how many people died so she would have the “freedom” to claim innocent suicide bombers people are being murdered by the personal minions of G.W. Bush.
I work for a living. I’m not some rich chicken rancher, or housewife just sitting around all day painting my toenails. I don’t have the luxury of sitting on the couch at 9:00 in the morning, eating bon bons and watching “The View”. My sources tell me that the host of the show is no longer Star Jones, which is too bad, since I once dated Star Jones when she looked good. (Although the good doctor may come across like a fat, old wino, he swims across the Mississippi twice each morning before a breakfast of catfish and eggs - which is why he still maintains his James Bond physique.) Well, I’d never date Rosie. She wouldn’t have much use for a heterosexual stud like myself… and I don’t intentionally date chicks with their huevos on the outside, if you know what I mean.
So, this Rosie O’Donnell used to be a professional softball player, until she started hitting the twinkies too hard. (I managed to say rosie, ball and hard in a single sentence!) I think she and Madonna were playing on the same team for a while, until Madonna underwent surgery to become Jewish. Rosie used to have her own TV show, with her own special audience. After that ended, she was depressed and you know how women are when they get depressed… I heard she ran a Schwan’s truck off the road for a case of Rocky Road ice cream.
So, have I mentioned I hate Mondays? In general, the Monday after they force us to switch to Daylight Savings Time is the worst day of the year. This is doubly so, since I am hung over most mornings and it feels okay to drink an hour more, but I still have to get to work on time. It’s not like I can cancel classes every week, I can only do that every other week or they get suspicious.
This morning I had a stiff neck and shoulder. I think it was because I parked the van, down by the river, on a slope. So, I kept rolling to one side of my cheap mattress. When I got up and used the Texaco bathroom to wash up, I was not in a good mood. Let me rephrase that, I was in a worse-than-usual mood. Fortunately, I got my 44 ounce cup of coffee at the Texaco and that is starting to wake me up. Their coffee isn’t the best in the world, but it has the intended effect. I compare it to giving a blow job to Juan Valdez’s donkey. I’ll just leave it at that.
