The World Through Rosie-Colored Glasses
I work for a living. I’m not some rich chicken rancher, or housewife just sitting around all day painting my toenails. I don’t have the luxury of sitting on the couch at 9:00 in the morning, eating bon bons and watching “The View”. My sources tell me that the host of the show is no longer Star Jones, which is too bad, since I once dated Star Jones when she looked good. (Although the good doctor may come across like a fat, old wino, he swims across the Mississippi twice each morning before a breakfast of catfish and eggs - which is why he still maintains his James Bond physique.) Well, I’d never date Rosie. She wouldn’t have much use for a heterosexual stud like myself… and I don’t intentionally date chicks with their huevos on the outside, if you know what I mean.
So, this Rosie O’Donnell used to be a professional softball player, until she started hitting the twinkies too hard. (I managed to say rosie, ball and hard in a single sentence!) I think she and Madonna were playing on the same team for a while, until Madonna underwent surgery to become Jewish. Rosie used to have her own TV show, with her own special audience. After that ended, she was depressed and you know how women are when they get depressed… I heard she ran a Schwan’s truck off the road for a case of Rocky Road ice cream.
The doctor has always said that women should be seen and not heard. (Only if they’re good looking, otherwise they shouldn’t be seen either.) Well, this so-called woman is the stereotypical loud Irish lesbian (whatever that means.) She has a 4th grade view of the world, and doesn’t understand complicated world politics. She finds it much easier to watch YouTube and watch Michael Moore movies than to perform research or listen to reputable sources, I guess. So, she’s gotten herself hired as the host of this daytime chick talk-show called, “The View” shortly after the previous host (my honey, Star Jones) turned up missing. (Rumors circulated that perhaps Rosie ate Star Jones, to get the job.) As host, the Big “O” gets to make off-the-cuff remarks about bad Republicans, war and conspiracies. The good doctor thinks that maybe she should stick to things she knows about, like which Indigo Girls songs are the best, and gossip about “Desperate Housewives”.
Rosie feels she can spout ignorance like a whale spouts water out its blow-hole. (I couldn’t help myself.) She fits in well with the pseudo-elite left-coast Hollywood liberals, like Alec Baldwin, Barbara Streisand and Kathy Griffin. She likes to polarize audiences, and she loves all the attention. If you disagree with her, she writes you off. If you agree with her, she loves you. She (look, I keep calling her she…) is a burly, manly woman who likes to bully the other girls on “The View”. There are times, I hear, that they almost come to blows. Hell, if most women were going to start a catfight, I’d tune in. I find nothing wrong in the occasional wrestling match (jello or mud optional) between consenting attractive adult women. I am pretty sure I don’t want to see the women of “The View” getting physical - although, I’d be ok if it was a couple of hot female celebrity guests.
Does the media pick on Rosie too much? It sounds like she brings it on herself. She wants to be controversial. She wants to be the center of attention. All she does is whine and complain about things she hates. Then she uses bumper sticker sayings to justify everything - like anyone could argue with, “isn’t love better than war?” She’s rude and unsophisticated, and the fact that she may give to charity doesn’t make her a qualified authority on Iran or Iraq or Global Warming. Yet, housewives and lesbians across this great nation give credence to her regurgitation of conspiracy theories she cherry-picks from Internet blog sites. Is there anything attractive about her or the stupid things she says? I’m sure that many will choose to change the channel because they can’t stand her. (See, I didn’t use the B-word!)
I am pretty good at predictions. I told everyone that there would not be dozens of “Katrina-level” hurricanes in 2006, like the Al Gore fanboys predicted. When everyone was crying about how HOT the winter was, I told them not to pack away their warm winter coat quite yet. So, what is my prediction? Contrary to what Rosie (the poet laureate) thinks, the United States will NOT be in Iran “by summer”. It is much more likely she will be booted off yet another talk show. Maybe next time she will end up hosting a lesbian version of the Jerry Springer show. That would suit her. Or, better yet, maybe the “chunky, masculine co-host of The View” should get her own late-night show on a public access channel where she can spout psychotic conspiracy theories to her bleeding-heart’s content. She’s as embarrassing as the fat, drunk, obnoxious uncle that comes to family reunions just to argue (and then your mom makes you pick him up out of his own vomit and put him back in his 1980 Trans Am at the end of the night.)
I actually don’t care if she stays on The View or not. I don’t watch that crap. (I would rather that the people who get off on Rosie stay home, because they can do less harm there.) We’ve fought wars so that we can enjoy freedom of speech in America. Even if people don’t appreciate that fact, they still have the right to say any dumb thing they wish. We all have the same right to change the channel. I choose not to watch ninety-nine percent of the drivel that’s broadcast; which is good, because I get really crappy reception in my van down by the river.
Jimmy Kimmel calls Rosie O’Donnell the “chunky, masculine co-host of The View”
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