Dr. Grouchy reviews movies and comments on the state of things in his weblog.
The doctor has a wit like a box of sharp glass, and is hailed far and wide as
an expert on most matters. Dr. Grouchy has a Ph.D. in Criticism that he applied for online
and paid for with boxtops.
A Review of the movie “Transformers” on 7/7/7, by Dr. Grouchy, Ph.D.
When I was a boy, I didn’t play with dolls. They didn’t even have robots that turned into cars or boomboxes. Hell, we had transistor radios and G.I. Joe’s and we killed ants with magnifying glasses. Most of my toys were made of wood, because they’d just invented plastic and it was still somewhat toxic. Girls did have Barbie dolls back then, but Barbie didn’t have her gay man-friend, Ken. When Barbie wanted to play horny housewife, she had to beg G.I. Joe for pity sex. Usually, Joe didn’t have the time because he was fighting war like a real man. But, I digress.
So, this appeared to be a movie about giant toys, and not about actual transformers, as my electrical engineering friend told me it would. I couldn’t figure out how they could make a movie that was over two hours long about electrical transformers, but what the hey. Anyhow, when the movie started and I realized it was produced by Hasbro, I understood this was just a ploy to sell millions of dollars of toys to American children. I suppose now, if Barbie gets bored and G.I. Joe is in Iraq fighting a war, she will have a battery-powered Transformer with multiple attachments to keep her satisfied.
As the movie starts, real men are fighting in Iraq when a helicopter lands and turns into a big, destructive robot. There is much in the way of mayhem and killing of soldiers who just want to relax with a cold beer, or a cold shower or some young boy from the desert. The robots all seem to have unlimited power. You would think their batteries would run out, or someone would have to run up and wind them up when they run down, but no. They just keep on going like some big, metal, evil Energizer Bunny. What “does” power them? It seems they never have to recharge, even in the case they have been frozen solid for decades. Is there a scientist out there that can explain that to me?
Some of the soldiers escape and they lead some kind of metal scorpion robot to the desert-boy’s village. I thought it was very considerate of them to run into a village of innocent people when being chased by a well-armed, homicidal robot. That’s what we call “collateral damage”. At first, the Pentagon suspects the Taliban might be behind the attacks, but one soldier made a home movie showing it was “Made in Korea”. Which suddenly made sense to everyone, because most toys are either made there or China. I think there were other robots that were supposed to be good, and this kid in the movie thought they came from Japan. I’m a little confused about why Korean robots would want to fight Japanese robots in America, but I think it’s because there was a big gold box that shot out sparks under the Hoover Dam. Maybe this was the electrical transformer. I’m sure you would be confused by this point as well.
The kid that I mentioned was in high school, and he wanted to get a car so he could get sex. I don’t think he bought a robot car from Bernie Mac because he wanted to have sex with the car, but you never know. I think robot-cars can be programmed to go both ways. Anyhow, he spends a lot of time in the movie not getting laid by this fairly hot high school chick. I thought she was really hot, until they showed a close-up of her thumb. It was kind of dwarfish and it turned me off. Up until that point, I was thinking about all the things I would do with a high school chick in the back seat of a robot-car. I think this was also a turn-off for the kid, because his parents soon enough caught him masturbating in his bedroom. They called the FBI, who promptly came out and arrested him for wiki-whacking, and impounded his car.
I noticed, by this point, that there was a lot of product placement in the movie. Nokia, eBay, Paypal, GMC, Pontiac, Chevrolet… to name a few. In fact, there was so much emphasis on product placement and marketing these toys, that there wasn’t much time for decent dialogue. The script seemed to be written both by and for first graders. (I would have said kindergartners, but there was way too much violence that you have to be in at least first grade to appreciate properly.) The plot was just damn weak. They had $200 million of computer-generated special effects, and a $10 script. I guess they didn’t want to make significant changes to the crappy plot of the Transformers cartoon, so one moment you would get caught up in an action sequence, and the next someone would suggest they take “the cube” to “the city” to hide it from the evil robots. I really expected Jar Jar Binks to show up any minute. In addition, all the robots had gay, made up names and mannerisms. Obviously all the Internet research the robots did on humans focused on gay porn sites.
So, who did come up with the lame script? Clearly, the premise of big-ass robots fighting is one that we have all had wet dreams about at one time or another. Why trivialize the plot with contrivances? Did they really learn our language from “the Internet”? Do the good robots all have to turn into cars? Why can’t they turn into something else? Or, were they really Cameros and Hummers on their home world? Autobots - what a stupid name. I swear, the first half of the movie I thought someone spliced in scenes from “Herbie the Love Bug”. The only thing missing was Dean Jones and Buddy Hackett.
I am always disappointed when movie-makers take liberties with reality. It isn’t like there isn’t enough that we don’t know that they can speculate about, they have to take liberties with science and historical facts. That’s just plain lazy. They could have paid a retarded monkey to do a better job of continuity on this movie, and catch such glaring mistakes like showing the “Mars Rover” and calling it the “Beagle 2″. Believe me, I had sex once with a lady from the European Space Agency, and that was no Beagle 2! Perhaps, movies are dumbed down because producers don’t think the public would understand a movie that includes facts that agree with reality. They think people are too stupid to notice things like that. Face it, they underestimate the intelligence of audiences. You aren’t just making movies for Bubba Bumfuck and his small children! You have people like Dr. Grouchy in your audience, and they expect a movie to treat reality with respect, and only then can they suspend disbelief when it comes to power cubes and giant, evil anthropomorphized robots.
At the end of the movie, the world was saved. I hope that didn’t give too much away, I forgot to put a big “SPOILER” disclaimer up. The military didn’t even confiscate the robots for further testing, they let the kid keep his Camero-bot as a pet and they dumped all the robot trash in the ocean. (Yes, the ocean will no doubt cause them to rust in time, even though it might have been more valuable to disassemble them, or safer to chop them up and dump them in a volcano. But, that wouldn’t have left such a clear starting point for the sequel.) Junior even looked like he was going to get some as he locked lips with the dwarf-thumbed woman on the hood of the yellow Camero in the closing sequence. Although, I think having sex on an Autobot is twisted and sick, given that they are another sentient (albeit mechanical) species. But, that’s exactly the kind of thing an electrical engineer would get off on, and probably why he recommended the movie to me in the first place. Sicko!
Wow! I am blown away. It appears that there have been some pretty convincing evidence that GOD EXISTS! Not only has GOD “created Man”, but he added creature comforts that you wouldn’t find in some Korean knock-off, or base model being.
In this clip, Kirk Cameron (that cute, stupid kid from “Growing Pains” in the 1980s) and his buddy, Rev. Ray Comfort prove conclusively that GOD masterbates. They discuss the “banana” fitting the human hand perfectly. Of course, you know they are really talking about the penis. The male member fits perfectly into the male (or female) fist (or other orifaces). The difference, which Rev. Ray alludes to, is that the banana is easy to eat, but it doesn’t explode in your face, while the penis does if operated properly. (I think that Rev. Ray’s last name is also proof that GOD wants you to enjoy life!!)
Since Man was created in the image of GOD, it is clear that GOD must have a really huge penis and he must enjoy getting off as much as a 14-year old with a girlie magazine and an extra-large bottle of Lubriderm. This makes one wonder, what magazine does GOD use to engorge his lordly banana? Maybe, “Hot Busty Female Deity Monthly?”
In addition to proving beyond a reasonable doubt that GOD wants you to “beat the bishop”, the God Squad has proven conclusively that Man and Ape are related. They both like bananas and penises. It also proves that Man is not related to Dogs, because Man cannot lick his own penis (except for some lucky dogs).
Kirk Cameron has done converted this van-living heathen. Proof is as clear as the “Crock-o-duck”. I’ve never seen one, so that MUST mean GOD exists. (Of course, I’ve never seen a Bigfoot either.) This also proves that Bill O’Reilly is really really smart. If he can’t “imagine” the Earth being created by natural processes, it must have been created by GOD in his planet factory.
Frankly, I’ve been so busy celebrating my new status as a “Born Again Masturbater” that I haven’t had time to even view these movies, but if they’re about bananas, they MUST be some good shit. You can watch them… I have a nut to bust. I think it is some kind of rebuttal or something, by some crazy Evolutionists.
Is’t thous stills’t a doubter of the great oscillating creator?? Here is further proof that GOD is the great creator. Other than “Cousin Eddie’s Peanut Butter I made with Nuts in my Trailer” - I have certainly never seen mice spontaneously created in a jar of peanut butter. Ergo, since peanut butter cannot spontaneously transmute into living organisms, we cannot have evolved from apes. I guess after GOD chokes his Galactic Chicken, he must follow it up with a PBJ sandwich. Yummy!
[One astute viewer points out that if peanut butter doesn't have a moon, it must disprove the theory of gravity. Bravo! Fuck you, Newton!!]
Halleluja! I am convinced. This life is too hard, but I can screw it up because soon JESUS will come back and we will all stroke our bananas and have a big RAPTURE! Heaven must be one big ORGY followed up with peanut butter sandwiches. I’m sold!
ZOMG! I just made the connection:
GOD made bananas and penises.
GOD loves to masturbate.
GOD made humans in his image. Masturbation is worship.
GOD took the form of MAN to DIE for our SINS.
ELVIS loves Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches and died whacking off on the toilet.
Therefore, ELVIS = GOD.
Thank you Kirk Cameron. Thank you so much!! You have changed my life! I am going to rush home and build a shrine to Elvis, our LORD. It will be awesome, with candles and bananas and some little toy monkeys and a jar of peanut butter and a jar of KY jelly and a box of Kleenex tissues with Aloe. I will decorate it with many pictures of penises, which isn’t GAY at all, because it’s holy you fucking blasphemer!
What a bunch of lazy bastards you all are. You barely work 50-60 hours a week, while Dr. Grouchy is busy with four or five jobs, like he’s some kind of Jamaican.
I try to inspire the next generation of college students to work hard and become rocket scientists and engineers and dairy maids, but NO, they are too lazy. They figure they’ll just take money from their parents, and lay about the house. When that runs out, they’ll suck at the teat of Uncle Sam. Well, there’s just no way we can afford to compete with the Asians, run a couple of wars and cut taxes every year, like we have to do… not if these kids aren’t planning on working hard and making six-figure incomes after college. Hell, half of ‘em will probably drop out and not finish college anyways, then they’ll wanna take my third job flipping burgers late-nite at Wendy’s. And, that’s barely a five-figure income. Jebus and Marley! How are we gonna afford to build roads and jet-powered cars that don’t need those roads, if we don’t have lots of MONEY and ENGINEERS? We get a lot of good crap from the Chinese, maybe we can get US dollars from them cheap, I don’t know. I’ll ask when I’m working the graveyard shift at Wal-Mart.
What is it with the over-sensitive crowd these days? Back when I was a boy, in the olden days, we used a lot of words that we are “forbidden” to use today. Soda jerk, flaccid and flapper come to mind.
For example, I am not supposed to use the N-word. Well, even old Dr. Grouchy understands that. That word never meant nothin’ good anyway. Words that are used only in a negative way shouldn’t be part of our language. It’s not right for anyone to use them, even if they are a part of the minority, because it legitimizes a term that shouldn’t be alright in any condition.
Now, “fuck” - there’s a good word. I find that word useful everyday. I don’t use it around little kids, just my college students who are always saying, “Fuckity fuck this,” and “Fuckity fuck that.” So, I figure that don’t matter much nohow.
Scientists have proven beyond all doubt that God is dead, homeopathic medicine is a hoax, prayer doesn’t work and women who refuse to have gratuitous sex with Dr. Grouchy are lesbians… What next? Well, the largest study of weight loss has shown DIETS DON’T WORK!
Big fucking surprise, folks!
I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!! I TOLD YOU SO!!
In fact, they make you FATTER! If you exercise at the level that God The Great Spaghetti Monster intended, you can pretty much eat what you are hungry for and not be obese. If you sit in front of your computer all day, and play video games all night, while eating nachos and Diet Coke, you are going to be FAT. Geesh!
Let me emphasize again, Diet Coke (diet sodas with Nutrasweet) is not healthy for you, and it will eventually be proven that it causes cancer and rectal bleeding and makes you even FATTER than if you drank nothing at all (try water, it’s not bad!)
Oh, speaking of water, bottled water is for pussies! It amazes me how some people got together and decided they could invent a new product and people would want to buy it - and pay top dollar for it too! Bottled water almost always comes from processing facilities that also supply city water supplies. The tap water is usually no different than the bottled water, except it don’t cost you no $2.99 to take a sip from the drinking fountain.
Just follow the Dr. Grouchy, patented, weight loss program of VIGOROUS CALISTENICS. You will be much better off! I swear, or my name ain’t Dr. Grouchy, Ph.D.!!
